To feel again...

For the first time in awhile I feel excited about the future. For so many months I was traveling through a thick fog, unexcited, loosing passion for all things I love, for things I have invested a lot of time into. I was a zombie. It's hard to appreciate everything you have in life when the one thing you love the most is gone. I must admit, over the past few months I have felt extreme amounts of guilt for not wanting to.....be. I appreciated life but sometimes life brings us so much pain, we can't see past it. I had to learn to not feel guilt but rather let myself grieve. This is key. Let yourself feel everything. It's the only way to move through the pain. Not over, not under....through it. 

This is me in Mendocino a few months ago. My friend Christine took this. We we're both going through it, so we packed our bags and headed to the ocean. We have been friends for 23 years. In this moment, I was not doing so well. 

Obsessive thoughts of how this could have happened consumed me. Moments of panic washed over me at the most random times. Tears filled my eyes when I would remember everything great, because things were great. Street signs, smells, songs......everywhere I went, there he was in my mind. Ever present. I wanted so badly to just forget and move on, but that's not how I work. I know that now and have accepted that with one memory, I will forever be able to feel that loss. Empath. 

I kept busy. I didn't take a day off work. By my Facebook photos, you would never know that I was dying inside. Facebook is funny that way. I wasn't trying to look like I was having fun. I wasn't trying to deceive anyone. I have wonderful friends and family that made sure I wasn't alone, even if I wanted to be. Every single day was a struggle and people expect me to smile, to be the fun one, get the job done. I tired to play the part. 

Don't I look happy with my friends? 

The closest people to me knew what I was feeling, but even then I didn't want to negatively effect those around me with my pain. There were countless moments where my heart would drop into my stomach, breathing was hard, and the future seemed impossible. I didn't eat because I couldn't swallow. Ellen is the only person I put everything on and she handled it with such grace. She was there for me at any moment I needed her and I am forever grateful for that. 

This is me and my best friend El. This was my first public outing in awhile. I was tired, but knew it was best to get out of the house. 

Today, I finally feel excited about what's to come. While I know dark days will come and go, I am wanting to devote my time to people who appreciate me. I gave so much of myself to people who I barely knew. I trusted a little too easily and kept my door a little too open. I don't know if I will change my ways when it comes to allowing new people in my life, quickly and without question. I probably should. I guess I have "learned my lesson" but that does't mean I won't stay open. I will be more aware. I don't want to become jaded. I will not become hard because of this (repeat over and over). 

I think part of me didn't want to move on. The reality of not being a big part of his life was harder to stomach than actually moving on. Mostly because I didn't understand WHY. I am learning that sometimes these situations have no explanation, they just are....and this just is. The story of us that I have told over and over in my head is starting to fade. I guess this is what moving forward feels like. I hesitate to say "moving on" because I don't believe I will ever truly move on, but rather forward. Bittersweet.

Today, my smile is a little more genuine. I feel stronger, happier. My laugh is more real. I am truly a happy person by nature. I think anyone who knows me would say this. I just slipped and fell, and couldn't get up for awhile. I say to anyone out there who is going through something that's causing them pain. You will get through it. You have to want it, but you will get through it. You will never be the same, but you will be better for it. Human being are incredibly resilient and while I'm not 100% myself yet, I see the future and I know it looks damn good.

Thank you for listening.

-Ally